Ok, now I’m going to try to write about things I haven’t written about before—I’ve written around them, but not directly at them, if you know what I mean. Whenever I think about telling someone else about this I immediately start getting all kinds of ‘interference’—can’t think clearly, get distracted easily, find something else to do all of a sudden—when, and if, I write what I want I think you’ll understand why. If you come to terms with the feelings you talked about, the weight on your chest, the sense of guilt, but what for, etc, you’ll discover the key to this particular world—especially if you don’t think of it in terms of a physical location so much as a layer or type of consciousness.
I remember crying and the thought came over and over “how can I ever be forgiven” or some such thing…although forgiven for what? So that’s where I seem to be stuck at the moment…and I can feel this huge huge weight on back and chest from being unable to forgive myself…not even knowing how or for what..
Also, remember how you wrote me that you somehow felt responsible for my being sick?
….when I heard you were sick I felt guilty like it was my fault..
The key to this world is in that feeling of being guilty, but not knowing for what. It’s the feeling that’s behind the idea of original sin, behind the idea of karma—most especially the idea of gaining merit by doing good deeds and losing merit by bad deeds, and being able to more or less buy your way out of the world by accumulating enough merit. Most, if not all religions of the world are morality based because they are based on this notion of ‘unconditional guilt’. This guilt does not belong to you–I repeat: THIS GUILT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU. It belongs to the fabric of this particular world, this particular place of consciousness—it does not belong to you, but belongs to and with this world just as much as the different species of plants and animals belong to this world. And just as you TAKE ON the identity of one (or more) animal forms–most notably the human one—when you come here, you also take on the emotional and intellectual forms of this place, and that feeling of aimless guilt is just one of those forms. It does not belong to you, but insofar as you buy into it, insofar as you accept it as you and yours and what you are, you thrash around in it trying to resolve it so that you can be good enough, or meritorious enough, or holy enough, to be free of it. The only way you are going to resolve it is to see your own true face, the one you had before you bought into the package of this place.
I can remember the first time I realized this: I was standing in the middle of my cabin in Nelson, doing what I call watching the world being made—watching things move from energy forms to ‘solid forms’ —and I suddenly became incredibly angry, outraged, because I realized I’d bought into a ruse, a trap—I realized that the whole notion of karma was a lie—that there was nothing to work ourselves out of, that we were ‘trapped’ here because we bought into the idea that we were trapped and had to earn our way free. It was several years later that I finally saw the other side of this, when I realized that beings on many layers had an interest in maintaining the status quo of this world. I found myself going to ‘negative worlds’ quite a bit at one point, exploring them, not their physical makeup but their conscious makeup. I found that as I went into different worlds they would have different dominant emotional makeups, different flavors if you will—anger, sadness, etc, and that the true residents of those worlds were committed to maintaining the status quo of those worlds with as much vigor as anyone in any other world, positive or negative. True, the residents of those negative worlds would moan and groan and complain of their plight, but that was also part of the inherent fabric of those worlds, and the way out of any one of them was the same—finding your ‘original face’—following yourself back. On one occasion I came across a very strange scene—I saw a man’s head with a lot of light energy around it—the head was horizontal, as though the man was lying down—and beside the head was this very dark , even black, being, fairly featureless, who was sort of reaching into the light energy around the man’s head and gathering it up. The being then took the light energy over to a ‘table’ to two other dark beings, and the three of them began to ‘eat’ the energy, for lack of a better word. Suddenly the first being became aware of me for the first time and it’s mouth flew open wide and it leapt across the room at me. I immediately came back into my body—and the first thing I noticed astounded me—I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt, this overwhelming sense of failure at everything I’d ever done, this awareness of every “mistake” I’d ever made—and I simultaneously realized that these feelings had resulted from my contact with these dark beings. I realized that these beings fed on the type of energy that was generated by those kinds of feelings, and that furthermore they actively promoted and encouraged those kinds of feelings in physical beings much as a farmer would encourage certain characteristics in a breed of cattle. I further came to realize that these kinds of feelings, the kinds necessary for these beings’ survival, can be passed on from person to person like some kind of virus, and that this transfer is especially potent between members of the same family—a sort of hereditary virus, only in this case it’s an emotional virus.
I came to the realization that most religious institutions bought into this and were infected by this, and that even forces that appeared as ‘light’ against ‘dark’ or ‘good’ against ‘evil’ in the world were infected because they generated the suitable type of energy for these beings. I further came to realize that whenever I even think about telling someone else about this I get a strong sense of being ‘under attack’—that I shouldn’t be talking about this because I’m upsetting the fabric of the world, and any increase in awareness in any one person means one less energy ‘generator’ for those beings. Further, they work quite hard to ‘capture’ beings with high energy output—the more energy the stronger and more secure their world is. And they work quite hard to maintain their hold on someone if they think they’re going to lose them.
The guilt doesn’t belong to you—don’t buy into it—it’s a trap. It’s how this world is made, but it’s not you, and it’s not yours. I think I said something somewhere about this world being a good place to develop an immunity—what I’ve just written about is what you develop an immunity to.
(followup to above letter)
More about the black guys—when I first started encountering ‘them’ I thought they were things like my own projections, or perhaps a sort of metaphorical way of thinking about psychological processes, like projecting my ‘shadow’ into them, etc. But then I realized I’d been seeing them with my eyes open, so to speak. I always see little blue ‘sparks’, lights, spheres, floating around—these to me are people, some of whom I know on the physical level, some I don’t. Sometimes I’ll see a sort of flash from one of them and immediately think about someone I know. Some time back when I wrote you about “wanting to dance”—you were sort of floating around in the room when I was writing you—I saw you as a blue sphere about the size of a grapefruit that was dancing around in front of me and moving back and forth through my body. What I also see is these little black specks that I’d started calling ‘the flies’, but I didn’t know what they were until I became aware of them as beings—the black guys. What I’d noticed is that these ‘flies’ would gravitate toward trauma—I first noticed this while watching TV—if there was a real trauma on the screen—a real war, a real murder, etc, I could see these flies sort of streaming toward the TV screen, but they seemed to be able to distinguish between real events and fictional trauma. I found that I could draw them toward me by changing my thought forms.
What I also realized is that you can’t merely resist them by maintaining a positive attitude in the face of trauma, physical or emotional, if you have ‘subconscious’ weak spots–psychic bruises—because these guys are masters at finding your weak spots and ‘magnifying’ them out of proportion, and exploiting them—and the primary psychic bruise is all the stuff involved with the weight on your chest—or on mine. The only way to protect yourself is to face the stuff head on, and realizing how you got it and where it came from—your father, my father, your mother, my mother, etc. It’s your awareness that will free you—it’s the light of that awareness that the “flies” can’t handle—they need to be invisible. I figured that I could “blast” them with love, because love conquers all, etc, but that’s not true—beings react to love according to their own purpose—for a mosquito love would be your letting it suck you dry, for a great white shark love would be your letting it eat you without a struggle, for Saddam Hussein love would be your unconditional surrender to his will. Anything you send love to will grow and flourish, but on its own terms—if you send love to a tumor it’ll grow and be happy, send love to the HIV virus and it’ll be fruitful and multiply. If you send love to the “flies” they’ll be happy, but on their terms, or at best they’ll want to make you “lord of the flies”.
I’ve found that the trick to going into ‘dark’ places is that you always have to be able to find yourself-—I don’t mean being able to know where you are, but being aware of yourself as separate from your location, even though you may be mirroring your location and the beings there, even though you may feel and think things AS your own that are not your own but belong to the location. Not all thoughts and feelings are necessarily yours–most belong to the fabric of your location. That’s important because when you get into the ‘dark’ places you’ll find that events, people, places in your life that have a ‘resonance’, if you will, with that darkness will sort of start to vibrate more and you’ll become more aware of them in your memory, and more aware of your emotional responses to them, and more aware of the emotional and psychic bruises you’ve incurred as a result of interacting with them—all your shit will start to surface. Remember the stuff about how these ‘viruses’ get passed on—think about the chain of transmission in your own life.
This is all sort of an immunization program—like being inoculated against small pox—you get a little bit of the real thing in your system so you can develop an immunity—the bits and pieces of the ‘virus’ you pick up from the world and from your family are the diluted strains for the inoculation.