I suppose I’m distracting myself with the Heart Sutra (from the fear of Non-Being) but also learning to relate to compassion which is the only way of dealing with the terror. That was/is the worst of it all… how to describe… the sense of the total indifference of the universe (as if we don’t exist) which we don’t….
What does ‘Non-Being’ mean to you? Are you talking about death? Do you feel the ‘terror’ on a bodily level? When you’re out of your body do you still feel the terror? When you had your initial experience was the ‘terror’ there, or was it only later, when you came back to ‘normal’ that you felt it? Is the one who experienced herself in your initial experience different from the one who feels the terror—how do they relate, how do they connect? If you experience yourself as the ocean, and then experience yourself as the water that’s filled up a bottle on the bottom of the ocean, aren’t you the same water, the same ocean? What would it feel like to be the water in the bottle looking out, as it were, at the ocean? How would the bottle determine and influence how the ocean looked to you from inside the bottle? Is it YOU that initiates and produces the terror, or is it your body? Your body has its own consciousness, and the primary drive of that consciousness is to survive at all costs—to survive as an individual, to survive as a species through reproduction—all life wants to live forever—all life wants eternal life—all the sexual politics, all the species adaptation, all the territorial disputes, all the inter-species competition (including competition among human sub-groups and the ‘negative’ tendencies of greed, selfishness, theft, etc, etc)—all express the desire for eternal life. Anything that is SEEN as counter to that desire (note the emphasis on ‘seen’) will induce ‘terror’. The irony is that even the experience of eternal life will induce the terror because it means the end of the pursuit of eternal life—the end of ‘normal’ life. Isn’t that how you experienced yourself in your initial experience—as eternal life? When you experienced yourself that way, aren’t you also the same as the one who experiences the ‘terror’? Aren’t YOU the continuity between the two states? Aren’t YOU the thread that links them?