Listen to me: YOU ARE NOT A SCREWUP! You just don’t understand who and what you are. Yes, you are moving in the opposite direction, from enlightenment to darkness, but for a reason. Yes, you will feel as though you’re going in the opposite direction from everyone else on the “spiritual path” because you ARE—you’re coming *from* the place everyone else is seeking –you already have what they want—what they want is where your home is. It’s like bringing light into the darkness, or as I said in the stuff you got from Spiritweb, it’s like you wind up with one foot (or half of you) in the world, and the other foot (or other half) in the light. Your act of establishing yourself in the world, of putting your foot down in the world, feels *to you* as though you’re moving in the downward direction– and it’s very hard to do because it’s not something you’ll want to do naturally or with any kind of pleasure—ALL of you will want to go home again—and there will be a lot of local resistance to your putting your foot in the world and especially to your putting any kind of weight on it, if you know what I mean (hence, the malevolent beings you encountered—but the more you know who you are the less they will bother you). But it’s what you came here to do.
When I had that stuff happen to me in ’78 I had the immediate feeling of knowing for the first time in my life what I am—the way I thought about it to myself is that I felt like a kind of spy called a deep sleeper, or that I was under deep cover– meaning that I’d ‘infiltrated’ a local area, and had established myself as one of the locals and lived the life of a local, and then one day 33 years later had gotten a phone call telling me it was time to go to work—at which point I started remembering all sorts of stuff that I’d more or less filed away– I could read accounts of yoga, of enlightenment, of yoga practices, and it was all old ground to me– in fact in most cases I discovered I knew more and had done more, and that the traditional accounts hadn’t gone far enough. But even with all that I still found myself looking for validation, so I read spiritual literature, did spiritual practices, until I realized that I didn’t have to do that, that I didn’t need anyone to validate me or initiate me in order for me to be me—I just had to let it happen—I just had to BE. And then I could do what I came to do, which was to act as that bridge, with one foot in the world and one in the light. And that’s all you have to do. Your inclination to do kriyas, etc, is your way of clearing out a place for you to put your foot down in the world, and your way of making a clear conduit into the world—I did that also. But you don’t need any more validation or initiation to be *more* than you are, or to get something that you don’t already have. If you *think* that you need things you’ve already got then you wind sort of walking around the world looking for your feet, if you get my drift.
As something of a footnote you again referred to yourself as a screwed up/fallen yogi. I don’t think so—you may not conform to the eastern models anymore , but that doesn’t mean you’re fallen or screwed up. You can’t integrate with your ‘feminine’ if you keep isolating yourself from what’s contained in the feminine, and you can’t be in a relationship if you think that you’re fallen and screwed up and not worthy of love. Yogis always talk about infinite bliss, but that’s only the beginning, kind of like the infinite rapture of cosmic sex. But there’s more, there’s also infinite love, which is really very quiet. The thing is, you have to open the eye of your heart in order to find it and experience it, and that can be really scary because then you get into issues like trust and openness.
Here’s a dream I had that’s very relevant to you: I’m sitting in a room behind a desk, and I’m opening what looks like a can of sardines– I have the can in one hand and the key in the other, and on the can lid is a fish symbol– like the Christian ‘ichthys’ symbol—I peel back the lid and inside are a whole bunch of what look like small rods, thin and black like pencil leads– and there’s a line of people passing in front of the desk and I’m handing out one of these rods to each person that passes by. Suddenly the scene changes and I’m outside standing beside a house– green grass, sky, a woman outside hanging up laundry, a kid playing in the yard. Coming down ‘out of the sky’, sort of semi-transparent, are all these beings who are more or less passing through the objects in the scene– the trees, the house, the sky, etc– like the beings aren’t fully physical– and the woman and child (and others) become aware of these beings and start running around trying to prevent them from coming into this particular world. The woman grabs something that looks to me like a large piece of chicken wire and sort of stretches it out like a net, trying to prevent all these beings from coming down, it doesn’t work and the beings pass right through it and keep going. And I immediately knew that the “Sons of God” are coming back– that was my immediate thought.